A Themeless Life

(A letter in response to a forgotten friend, trying to make mends 4 years too late)

I am at a loss for words. What the hell.

You cannot just barge back into my life expecting me to accept you with open arms like I usually would.

It’s been four years, four long years of not really talking to you. The last time was two years ago and you were ‘too busy’ to reconnect. I tried, I tried so hard in the first two years to rekindle our friendship and every reach I made you just cut me off.

Oh, you remember how we jumped on the trampoline, and took pixie stick pictures, and were like sisters, that’s awesome, really. I used to remember those things too. It’s funny how it took me 2 years to forget you, 2 years I have finally forgotten you and now all of the sudden when you have no existence in my life, you finally want to hold an actual conversation.

I’m glad it took you this long to realize.

You want to know what I remember. Sitting on the computer in our spare bedroom balling my eyes out like never before. My dad stood in the background yelling at me to get off the computer because I didn’t need to be treated like this, because I was better than that, and because he didn’t want to see me get hurt. But no, I didn’t listen and I tried. And the last thing I said to you was if you ever needed anything, I’d be there for you.

We’ll it’s been four years, I waited for you. I cried, I hurt, and I wrestled every day, trying to figure out what I did to make someone hate me so much. And I couldn’t come up with anything. It was like losing more than a best friend, a sister. Not knowing or having answers to why you felt like that hurt like no other pain I have felt before.

You were, are, cut out of my life. Last year I realized I never thought of our friendship, let alone you. You were nonexistent and it was like we had never been friends. Part of me was scared because you were such a large part of my life. But at the same time, that moment was liberating and I knew I had grown and moved on.

When you left, I gained more than enough people who continue to surround me with true friendship and love. These people are spread out over 6 hours, some at home, and some at school. And these past two years, time away has made us stronger than ever before. They know my house passcode, hang out with my parents when I’m not around; their parents are my second parents, and the same for their house. Our siblings are friends and we trust each other with our belongings and lives. These friends will be at my wedding, in my wedding party, god parents to my children, my go-to for advice, my brothers and sisters.

I had once hoped the same for us. If you had reached out two years ago, heck, maybe we could have gotten things smoothed over close to what was once before. I wanted you to be that person, the one who was in my life since diapers, more than you could ever imagine, that’s what hurt me the most out of all this. Being that close again would have been my dream.

What’s done is done, we are 20 now and I have moved on. I don’t plan on holding any grudges with you or rehashing old wounds since I have come this far. I’m definitely open to sitting down to get answers and to catch up. We had such a great friendship once. While it won’t be the same, I’m willing to pick up and see where we can go in the future as ‘friends.’

“Everybody, one day will die, and be forgotten. Act and behave in a way that will make life interesting and fun, fuck a mundane predictable life working monday to friday with something you derive no pleasure from; just living life out till you grow old and wither away. Find a passion, form relationships, don’t be afraid to get out there and fuck what everyone else thinks, trust me it’s alot more fun that way. 

Dont ever pay people out or put people down. Instead just put yourself up and let the haters do their thing. I’d rather be a person that’s hated on, than a person that does the hating. A wise man one said.. 

Haters gonna hate!” 

- Zyzz

adventuresinfratland: